Helping children manage anger
One day it starts without warning. It may be in the grocery store, at a party, or maybe bedtime. But, before you know it, you're engulfed in a world of temper tantrums and angry behaviors. What's more, your youngster seems more like a demon from the movie the Exorcist than the sweet child you just cuddled a few hours ago.
Tips for parents
Helpful resources
When anger turns to violence
While it's natural for young children to express anger, they don't have the maturity to express it appropriately. All they have is their basic instincts, which generally escalate a situation. Imagine the commotion that this stirs up: a child screaming at the top of his lungs, holding his breath until red in the face, and then throwing himself to the floor kicking and banging. It's enough to push a parent over the edge, especially when other people are around.
This all amounts to one important lesson - parents need to teach children to express anger constructively. Virtua psychiatrist Yeva Rubinstein, MD, says: "Remove the youngster from the situation, allow her to calm down, then discuss the cause of the anger, solutions to the problem, and behaviors that are unacceptable."
Tips for parents
Bear in mind that kids learn from adults, so it's important for parents to keep their own emotions in check. "One of the best ways a parent can teach kids is by controlling their own anger," explains Tina Sherman, RNC, coordinator of the Dorothy Cox Fisher Parenting Center at Virtua Health.
Sherman addresses giving youngsters tools to deal with difficult situations. "Have the child count to 10 and take deep slow breaths. Encourage her to walk away from the situation or, if at home, lie down until feeling calmer."
To help kids know what to expect when they do misbehave, handle outbursts consistently. "Punishments, such as time out, confirm that there are consequences for inappropriate behavior," says Dr. Rubinstein. "Likewise, reinforce good behavior with rewards."
While there are conflicting schools of thought about whether a parent should or shouldn't spank, Dr. Rubinstein suggests that parents refrain from both yelling and spanking. She explains that yelling only escalates the situation and spanking shows that violence is acceptable. Both of these reactions contradict many of the things parents teach a child and never lead to a solution.
Remember that anger is a signal that something isn't right or is unfair, whether real or perceived. Listen carefully to the child, and be willing to admit if an injustice has occurred. If the child comes up with a good solution, use it. This encourages kids to stay focused and contribute toward a solution.
Another important piece of advice from Dr. Rubinstein is to never discourage a child from expressing emotions. "Suppressing anger forces kids to use it in negative ways and this behavior intensifies as they get older."
Helpful resources
Parenting is never easy. That's why Virtua Health offers support through its Dorothy Cox Fisher Parenting Center. The center provides education programs such as parenting children with attention deficit and hyperactivity. The center offers a resource room stocked with parenting books, magazines and videos to help parents through tough times. Virtua is also the home of Children Achieving Success Through Therapeutic Life Experiences (CASTLE), which provides treatment for troubled children; and the Virtua/duPont Children's Health Program for medical specialty care.
When anger turns to violence
"Anger is an easy emotion to express," says Yeva Rubinstein, MD, Virtua psychiatrist. "Often children will display anger when they feel more complex emotions such as nervousness, anxiety, and fear. Parents really need to know their children so they can differentiate anger from other emotions and possibly a cry for help."
If a child is not taught how to deal with anger and other emotions, these feelings may be expressed violently, especially during teenage years. "Usually violence from a teenager is not the beginning of a problem," says Dr. Rubinstein. "It's the end product of what has happened to them throughout childhood." It often begins with explosive aggression, like temper outbursts that do not resolve with age. This may progress to predatory aggression such as planning acts of revenge or instigating fights while acting as an innocent bystander.
Although everything may be fine at home, be aware of behavior problems at school. Kids who feel they can't express their emotions at home, may take it out on teachers or classmates. If a child continues to show signs of aggression, exhibits no remorse, or expresses cruelty to animals, seek professional help for the child. For a free copy of Children and Violence, call 1-888-Virtua-3.